KEVIN (VO)

My earliest memory of Christmas is of asking my mother "Where's Daddy?" and her telling me that he was working. It was Christmas eve. I guess we just thought that was normal.

TITLES - Santa Claus: The Empty Chimney narrated by Anthony Healy-Rivvage

MONTAGE - IMAGES OF SANTA CLAUS IN STORE WINDOWS, BILLBOARDS, ETC.

NARRATOR (VO)

In America they call him Santa Claus. In the UK he's Father Christmas and in Japan they call him Sanatasoru or literally "Joyful Pleasure Man Who Is Fat". But whatever name he goes by, his legend is always the same; the jolly fat man in the red suit, who magically delivers toys to good little children every Christmas. We've all heard of him, we've even grown up with him..but do we really know him? In a sensational new book, Santa's real life children claim that there was a dark side to jolly old Saint Nick. They claim that there was one house full of children that he missed every year... his own.

INT. - KEVIN'S APARTMENT - DAY
Kevin speaks directly to the camera. He seems utterly defeated, like a man who has been attacked by a bear every day for the last twenty years

KEVIN

As far as we knew, that was what every father did on Christmas - get in a sleigh and just disappear. We never got any presents because by the time he got home there were none left.

INT. - BORDERS BOOKSTORE, NEW YORK CITY - DAY
Close up on the jacket of Kevin's book on display.

NARRATOR (VO)

In his new book "Father, Christmas?" the now 38 year old Kevin Claus describes a life as the son of the world's most beloved man that wasn't all cookies and milk.

INT. - KEVIN'S APARTMENT

KEVIN

My mother tried to keep it a secret from us, but eventually we found out where he was going every year. What can I say...It was a shock. I don't know what hurt the most..the fact that he was giving presents to every kid on Earth except us, or the fact that he lied to us about it.

INT. - JENNIFER'S KITCHEN
Kevin's sister Jennifer responds. She is pretty, with red hair, rosy cheeks and a non-stop smoking habit

JENNIFER

Oh, it was the gifts that hurt the most. I mean, I was 4.

NARRATOR (VO)

Jennifer Claus-Fatcharelli, a 28 year old single mother of two, now living in Brewster NY, remembers the lists...

JENNIFER

My brother found out about the two lists, y'know Naughty and Nice, right? So we thought maybe we just weren't on the right list, so we tried..I mean like Hell.. to get on that good list.

We cut back and forth between Kevin and Jennifer as they describe the incidents

KEVIN

I got straight As, I ate my vegetables, I cleaned my room..

JENNIFER

I washed behind my ears, sometimes until they bled.

NARRATOR (VO)

According to Kevin, life was hard when Dad was away, and even harder when he was at home.

KEVIN

You know how they say "He knows if you've been bad or good"? Well, that's fine if it's just once a year, but my sister and I had to live with it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We couldn't breathe. We were terrified. My sister developed a pretty serious eating disorder.

JENNIFER

I ate nothing but gingerbread for a year. I eventually came down with what's known as "raisin eye"

KEVIN

He had a wicked temper. We knew we were in trouble if we just heard the bells jingling down the hallway. It meant that he must've heard that we were pouting or shouting or something like that..

JENNIFER

Then the next thing that would happen was that he'd have to go and get..

KEVIN

That's when he'd get the candy cane.

JENNIFER

He'd give us these vicious candy canings and if we cried the beatings would be even worse.

KEVIN

..and he'd be standing over us screaming "You better not cry!" It was horrible.

BLINKY TINKLES

This is a load of crap! You don't know what you're talking about! I oughta knock you out, that's what I oughta do!

NARRATOR (VO)

Blinky Tinkles is a retired elf, now living in Boca Raton, Florida who disagrees with the Claus children's portrait of their famous father.

BLINKY TINKLES

I'm tired of Santa Claus being dragged through the soot like this! He was the kindest man in the world! He never hurt children! He loved children!

NARRATOR (VO)

But isn't it true that he was exceedingly cruel to his own children?

BLINKY TINKLES

He had kids of his own?

EXT. - SIXTH AVENUE, NEW YORK CITY - DAY
Kevin walks past a department store, shielding his eyes to avoid a bell-ringing Santa

KEVIN (VO)

He would take every opportunity to belittle me and humiliate me. Once I tried to help him decorate the big tree and he screamed "You haven't got the balls!" Well, how could I?

INT. - JENNIFER'S KITCHEN

JENNIFER

He was very fond of joking that Rudolph's nose was brighter than his daughter.

NARRATOR (VO)

It's an image of Father Christmas that's unlikely to find it's way into a Coca-Cola advertisement. But what about Mrs. Claus? Did she turn a blind eye to her husband's behaviour?

KEVIN

My mother knew how hard it was for us. She wanted to leave him, but she just couldn't.

NARRATOR (VO)

Why not?

KEVIN

Well, for one thing we lived in an Arctic wasteland. The nearest motel was 8,000 miles away.

JENNIFER (VO)

What people don't realise is that the only reason he had the workshop at the North Pole was so that we couldn't run away.

NARRATOR (VO)

How did living in the Arctic affect you growing up?

KEVIN (VO)

I had no friends. I had to carve friends out of ice so I'd have someone to talk to. I even made a girlfriend out of ice. She was the first girl I ever kissed. We were inseparable.

JENNIFER

I became pretty seriously addicted to holly. Partly because of the easy availability of it. I mean the stuff was everywhere..and it was pure. Y'know that was the lifestyle. Then when I was 16, well, I got very promiscuous. With elves.  A lot of elves. A whole lot of elves. Elves, elves, elves. I really don't like thinking about it too much.

INT. - BLINKY TINKLES' HOUSE

BLINKY TINKLES

That was his daughter? I never knew. I mean, he made her dance at my bachelor party.

NARRATOR (VO)

Things changed in this Fairbanks Alaska courthouse where, in 1976, a federal judge granted Mrs. Claus a full divorce.

KEVIN (VO)

My parents had a loveless marriage. I never saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

JENNIFER

You see, there've been thousands of Mrs. Clauses over the years. Eventually they all leave him. That's why she's only ever referred to as "Mrs. Claus".

KEVIN (VO)

You always see these pictures of Mrs. Claus and she always looks the same. Well, that's not because it's the same person, it's because my Dad always goes for the same type; glasses, white hair in a bun, voluptuous... like my Mom.

We cut back and forth between Kevin and Jennifer as they discuss the divorce

JENNIFER

She'd tried to divorce him a number of times before, but she was no match. He's a very powerful man.

KEVIN

Oh yeah, my Dad was connected. I mean you name it..district attorneys, judges, politicians..he had them all in his lap. But this last time was different. We found a judge who, for some reason, was not swayed by my father's influence.

We cut to a photo of an elderly judge who, by his dress and demeanor, could more easily be mistaken for a rabbi

NARRATOR (VO)

Judge Chaim Schmimmelarb granted Mrs. Claus a full divorce and custody on October 12th, 1976. Mrs. Claus moved to Woodstock, IL with her two children and opened a café serving nothing but warm cider.

KEVIN

We thought that was the end of it but it wasn't. Part of the divorce ruling was that my father was now legally required to put our names on the "Nice" list and to bring us toys every Christmas until we were 18. It was a bittersweet victory.

We cut back and forth between them as they describe their presents

JENNIFER

Now you have to understand, these weren't the same toys he gave to other kids. These were the inferior toys that had to be thrown out.

KEVIN

One year he gave me a train set that only had wheels on the left side.

JENNIFER

I remember one time I got a doll that was just two heads joined together at the neck. I called her Headna.

KEVIN

Another time, and I'm not really sure how this defect occurred, he gave me a teddy bear that was made entirely out of steel.

NARRATOR (VO)

Do you still have it?

KEVIN

Yeah, I do. It's a lot like my father. It's cold and hard, but cute from a distance.

EXT. - BORDERS BOOKSTORE, NEW YORK CITY - DAY
Close up on the jacket of Kevin's book as seen through the store window.

NARRATOR (VO)

Kevin and Jennifer claim that they had to write this book to tell the world about the private man only they knew. But don't they fear the consequences?

INT. - KEVIN'S APARTMENT

NARRATOR (VO)

Are you afraid of him coming after you now?

KEVIN

No, I'm not afraid. Once a year I'll hear from someone that he's, y'know, comin' to town, but I don't do anything about it.

INT. - JENNIFER'S KITCHEN

NARRATOR (VO)

If you could say anything to your father right now, what would it be?

JENNIFER

I'd say "Dad, a family is like a string of lights; if one goes out, they all go out."

INT. - KEVIN'S APARTMENT

NARRATOR (VO)

If you had one Christmas wish this year, what would it be?

KEVIN

I wish that I could have had a different kind of childhood.

NARRATOR (VO)

What kind of childhood did you have?

KEVIN

Sad. I had a sad childhood.

NARRATOR (VO)

What kind would you've liked to have?

KEVIN

Jolly.

INT. - BLINKY TINKLES' HOUSE

NARRATOR (VO)

Have you read this new book by Kevin Claus?

BLINKY TINKLES

No!

NARRATOR (VO)

Do you plan to read it?

BLINKY TINKLES

No!

NARRATOR (VO)

Why not?

BLINKY TINKLES

Hey, how'd you like it if I came over there and beat your ass? I could do it, y'know!

END

© 1999 Joe Dator all rights reserved