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CHILDREN AND FBI DWARVES RETURN TO SCHOOL
Summer is over and millions of children
are back in the classroom, alongside thousands of dwarves working undercover
for the FBI. "It's great to be back and hang out with my friends again...
Timmy and Andre and Greg," said Henry Nuesson, a 55 year-old FBI agent
who attends P.S. 26 in Chico, California. "Of course they know me as Dougie...
and they think I'm eight." Despite the daily homework assignments and bug-planting
chores, the diminutive G-men still manage to have some good, old-fashioned
playground fun. "The other day, this kid, right, he's sliding in to home
base, right? So he totally falls on his face!" said Bernard Mortenson,
58, a 35-year veteran of the bureau. "It was sooo funny! I almost hated
to turn in his father for smuggling guns across the Mexican border."
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NEW THEORY: HOFFA WENT EXTINCT
A hair belonging to Jimmy Hoffa was found
this week, giving investigators a break in the nation's most infamous unsolved
case. Scientists who analyzed the hair have come up with a stunning new
theory on what really happened to the former Teamsters boss. "We believe
Jimmy Hoffa was not murdered, but that he died out slowly following a change
in the Earth's climate," said researcher Trent Smaught of The University
of Michigan. "This change may have been caused by a large meteorite which
struck the Earth in 1975, killing all forms of life." Though no such event
is known to have occurred, Smaught stands by his theory with a simple explanation.
"I was born in 1978," he said. "So I can't prove it didn't happen. Can
you?"
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STUDY SHOWS EVERYBODY HAVING FUN TONIGHT,
ALMOST NOBODY WANG CHUNGING TONIGHT
In a Washington Post poll of Americans'
leisure habits, a whopping 99.99% of people 18-35 said they planned to
"have fun tonight", while a dismal .01% said they planned to "Wang Chung
tonight". Americans desire to Wang Chung has declined steadily since the
mid-1980s; in 1985, as many as 87% of people said they planned to both
have fun AND Wang Chung tonight. Oddly, of the 400-or-so people who admitted
that they used to Wang Chung frequently, no-one could actually explain
what that meant.
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BRITS DISCOVER TAINTED LOVE IN LIVESTOCK
Disease control experts in northern England
reported several cases of "tainted love" in cows last week. The disease,
which can cause extreme nausea in animals and humans, has not been seen
in Britain since 1982. "Oh, it was everywhere back then," said farmer James
Philpott. "And it made us all sick to our stomachs!" Experts are calling
this the worst threat to public health since the "night fever" outbreak
of '78."
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POST OFFICE TO BEGIN RECRUITING MOLE PEOPLE
The U.S. Postal Service says it will turn
to the labyrinth of caves and tunnels underneath Grand Central Station
in New York to find its newest employees. "For years we have known about
the so-called mole people that live in the bowels of the station," said
Postmaster General John E. Potter. "These are the kind of crazy, dangerous
loners we're eager to recruit for all areas of postal service." When asked
why the new direction, Potter said it was because the "prisons and insane
asylums are just not yielding the quality of people they used to."
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SHOPPER CLAIMS "SERVING SUGGESTION" IS
THINLY VEILED THREAT
An Atlanta man is claiming that a 16-oz
box of "Fatcharelli's Home Style Pasta" contains threatening and coercive
language meant to frighten consumers. "They have this picture on the box
- pasta on a plate with some tomato sauce and mushrooms - and just below
it says 'serving suggestion'," said the man, who wishes to remain anonymous.
"But believe me, with Mr. Fatcharelli staring up at you from that box,
it's no mere suggestion!" Fatcharelli Foods president Rocco Fatcharelli
denied making any threats and claimed that the so-called serving suggestion
is just that. "We only show the pasta like that because tomatoes and mushrooms
are very healthy," said Fatcharelli. "And that's how people will eat it...
if they wanna stay healthy."
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PHIL COLLINS STANDS BY WHILE UNIDENTIFIED
MAN DROWNS
Singer Phil Collins was arrested Thursday
in connection with the drowning death of an unidentified man near his home
in London. According to a witness Collins not only ignored the manís
cries for help, but also stood on the shore verbally taunting him. "I heard
him say things like ìIíve been waiting for this moment all
my life' and 'wipe off that grin, I know where you've been' it was very
cruel, really." said Andrew Hampden, 31, who was walking his dog at the
time. "I suppose I should have stepped in to help, but I was waiting for
him to get to that part with the drums. I love that part!"
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99¢ STORE THREATENED BY COMPETITION
Yuska Proya, whose "99¢ Emporium"
sells such items as flower-print placemats, his-and-hers plastic combs
and much more for only 99 cents, says he's not worried about competition
in his Philadelphia neighborhood. Last week a new store called "98¢
Bargain Bin" opened across the street from Proya, offering similar merchandise
at a lower price.
"I think consumers know that if they want
quality they have to pay a little more," said Proya, while stocking a shelf
full of imitation vinyl shower curtain liners. "I mean after all, you could
probably get corn-on-the-cob holders there for only 98 cents, but I wouldn't
feel safe using them."
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ASIAN-GUY-WHO-SAYS-STUFF-ONLY-A-
BLACK-GUY-WOULD-NORMALLY-SAY
ASSAULTED IN CALIFORNIA
Kenneth Hong, 40, a Chinese national known
for his insistence on speaking in African-American dialect, was severely
beaten by neighbors in his Anaheim community Wednesday.
"I be mackin' it! Stu-raight up, yo! Keepin'
it rear!" are some of the familiar hip-hop expressions Hong can often be
heard mangling, to the almost-endless amusement of his neighbors.
"Oh, I've found him so cute and so entertaining
for a such a long time," said retiree Anne Markowitz, 67. "But for some
reason I just had to beat the living crap out of him last night."
Others were equally surprised by their
own sudden change of heart.
"Every time he says something normally
only a black guy would say, I laugh and laugh and laugh," claimed neighbor
Michael Gambrelli, 38. "Next thing you know I'm pounding his face with
my fist. Go figure."
Hong, recovering in Anaheim General Hospital,
plans to press charges and calls his former friends "a big bunch of prayer
haters".
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OHIO PARENTS OBJECT TO "CRIME DOG" CHARACTER
Several parents in Toledo have stepped
up to express their displeasure with a new cartoon character that has been
appearing on television in public service ads. "McGrift, the Crime Dog"
is the creation of Taec & Fleer Advertising and many are saying he
is a bad influence on youngsters.
"They show this McGrift going around stealing
and committing credit card fraud in these little cartoons," complained
local father George Fufferman. "What the hell is this supposed to teach?"
McGrift's lessons on scamming senior ciitzens,
setting up off-shore bank accounts and running pyramid schemes are upsetting
to some, but Jonathan Taec, of Taec & Fleer, says he's surprised by
the fuss.
"Let me get this straight," said Taec.
"You wanted a dog that FIGHTS crime? Oh boy... "
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CHOCOLATIER WONKA DEAD AT 80
Famed chocolate mogul and raconteur William
"Willy" Wonka succumbed to a heart attack in Munich Thursday, leaving his
famous factory to widow Veruca Salt-Wonka, 39. The controversial will has
been contested by Charles Buckett, 43, an unemployed former telemarketer
who claims that Wonka promised him the factory in a private conversation
over 30 years ago. "Veruca has no right to the factory - Bill took me into
the 'half room' and screamed at me, then suddenly hugged me and said I
could have it," said Buckett. "But by the time she married him his mind
was gone."
The former Veruca Salt met Wonka while
visiting the factory in 1970 along with Buckett and three other children
who remain missing. Events that transpired during that visit are still
being investigated by child welfare officials. This is the latest legal
blow to The Wonka Group; Amnesty International has accused Wonka of keeping
hundreds of Oompa Loompese citizens as captive slave labor, under the guise
of protection from "vermicious k'nids". "We are closely investigating the
matter, and are prepared to sue." said an Amnesty spokesman. "Like the
Oompa Loompa doompity-do!"
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HALLMARK UNVEILS NEW HOLIDAYS FOR 2003
The Hallmark Card Company of Kansas City
has announced five new holidays which will begin appearing on calendars
as early as next year. The new holidays will be Great-Grandparent's Day,
Cousin's Day, Second Cousin's Day, Total Stranger's Day and the controversial
Buy Yourself A Card Day. Critics have bitterly accused Hallmark of creating
frivolous holidays as a cynical ploy to sell cards, but Hallmark's response
is typically modest. "These people have a right to speak their mind," said
Senior Vice President Dale Gladstone. "But they'd be better off saying
it with our new line of 'Bitter Accusations' cards!"
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ASTRONOMERS FIND HUMAN ASS ON MARS
Scientists announced Tuesday that they
have discovered an image of what appears to be a human ass on the surface
of Mars - proof, they say, of life on the red planet. "Uh yeah, well, it's
proof. I guess," researcher Brian O'Leary said. "Except that... y'know,
it's a great big ass." Neither O'Leary or partner Tom Van Flandern could
say why a race of ancient extraterrestrials would want to create a 400
mile wide ass on Mars. "I really don't think I want to know," said Van
Flandern, who added, "Listen, could you not say anything about this?"
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JOHNSON & JOHNSON FEARS COMPETITION
Pharmaceuticals manufacturer Johnson &
Johnson are scrambling to keep up with a new competitor - Johnson, Johnson
& Johnson, Inc. which opened its doors Friday. "They've got one more
Johnson than we do," said CEO Jerry Johnson. "And that's one too many!"
J&J's directors have proposed a merger, but J,J&J CEO Raymond J.
Johnson Jr. fears the new company might be unwieldy for consumers. "They
doesn't has to call us Johnson, Johnson, Johnson, Johnson & Johnson,"
said Johnson. "They can call us J,J,J&J, or they can call us Five Js,
or they can call us RJ, or they can- hey, whatever happened to me?"
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NEW TECHNOLOGY MAKES IT POSSIBLE TO GET
SOMETHING FOR NOTHING
A revolutionary new device, developed
by Dr. James Blueberger of Stamford University, can actually make something
out of nothing. "It uses electrons and freon gas. You put absolutely nothing
into the input port and 30 seconds later something appears in the output
tray," said Blueberger, who admits there are still a few bugs to work out.
"At this point the 'something' is just a kind of thick, greenish fluid,
but we're working on getting it to give out money and jewelery and stuff."
If the machine proves viable there could be one in every home by 2007.
Critics have said it would call into question one of the basic moral tenets
of our society, but Blueberger says he's already taking it a step further.
"I'm working on a device that would enable people to do unto others without
any fear of what they might do unto you," he added. "Think of the convenience!"
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PAINTER OF SAD CLOWNS BRANCHES OUT
"It used to be enough to just paint a
sad clown, but these days audiences want something more," says Melvin Blint,
who has been painting the melancholy clowns for over three decades. "Nowadays,
you've got to portray more complex emotions like 'quiet desperation' or
'barely suppressed rage'. Fortunately, after 35 years in the business I
don't have to dig too deep for this stuff." Blint, who lives and works
out of his sister's garage in Newark, New Jersey, is currently working
on a series of clinically depressed clowns. "These are groundbreaking -
they're all going to be portrayed in bed!" said Blint from his bed.
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TINY NATION'S NEW PM QUESTIONED
The southern Pacific island nation of
Fuuwiong was thrown into turmoil on Wednesday when British diplomats made
a shocking discovery. Kyong Moi Goung, who was supported by the British
in his successful bid for Prime Minister, is known for beginning all of
his sentences with the word 'dau' which was thought to mean 'life'. However,
a visiting diplomat discovered that the word actually translates into the
English 'duh' - a prefix often used to indicate stupidity in cartoons and
comic books. "Well, we might never have supported him if we'd known he
says 'duh' before everything," said British ambassador Terry Blackstone.
"And worse, it's a long drawn-out 'duuuuhhhh' sound - he's like that walrus
from 'Tennessee Tuxedo'!" Addressing a formal investigation into the matter,
Moi Goung said "Dau... Nytong Lu Gooyong" which literally translates to
"Duh... which way did he go, which way did he go... duh... "
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FAA INVESTIGATES GOD AS CO-PILOT
Rescuers searching the wreckage of a private
plane near Spokane, Washington have discovered a possible cause of the
crash - a small sticker affixed to the controls reading "God Is My Co-Pilot".
Federal Aviation officials say that God does not have a pilot's license,
nor any experience flying a single-engine plane. "If God was acting as
co-pilot of that plane, we'll be treating this as a criminal investigation,"
said FAA spokesman Craig Hofstetter. "Otherwise, we're calling it an Act
Of God."
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All material © Joe Dator 2001-2003 Joedator@joedator.com
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