HOME REJECTED BY THE NEW YORKER WEBNET NEWSLINK© FOUND PHOTO THEATER BEN FRANKLIN IN STAR WARS THE FEDERAL LANDMARK RELOCATION PROGRAM JOE DATOR'S WEB DESIGN STUDIO BIO SKETCHBOOK CONTACT LINKS "Support the War On Violence."    January 3, 2005    Issue 7 Volume 2      Previous Issue      Archives    A Message From The Editor Hello, and welcome to the new design of WEBNETNEWSLINK©'s front page. It may take some getting used to (You'll notice that our logo is now four pixels wider) but eventually it will be seen as a good decision in retrospect, possibly. Another year has gone by dear readers, and that can mean only two things - modern life has sunk that much farther into brutality and barbarism, and it's time for WEBNETNEWSLINK©'s semi-annual Year In Review! 2004 - The Year In Review - The year began with jitters as the U.S. prepared to invade Iraq, and a new menace called SARS swept the far East. The world saw what "Shock and Awe" meant in Baghdad, and the East Coast fought through the worst blackout in history. - President Bush declared "Mission Accomplished" while California Governor Gray Davis was pushed aside to make room for "The Terminator" himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Summer movie audiences thrilled to the destructive fury of "The Hulk" while the "X Men" returned to do their Marvel-ous magic! - We all mourned Johnny Cash and Bob Hope, but the year ended on a high note as U.S. forces finally captured Saddam Hussein! We wish all our readers a healthy and prosperous 2005, and ask you all to pray for our former President Ronald Reagan, whom we hear is in very poor health.     Top Stories HAWKING: UNIVERSE SUCKS BALLS Wheelchair-bound physicist Stephen Hawking, who has spent over 30 years proffering bold theories about black holes and the origins of the universe, this week revealed his most sweeping and potentially controversial theory yet: that the entire universe sucks balls. "Sucks Balls Theory works like this; the universe is comprised of particles. These particles can take any number of forms, and their forces can act against or with one another, but no matter what they do, I'm still twisted up in this friggin' chair!" said Hawking, who is completely paralyzed due to Multiple Sclerosis and speaks through an electronic vocalizer. "The only possible explanation is that this entire universe sucks. And what it sucks is balls. Big, hairy balls." Hawking admitted that the Sucks Balls Theory may contradict other more accepted theories, but the Cambridge University professor claims the sheer fact that he is unable to go to the bathroom without the help of two nurses is "all the evidence you need." Hawking says he will now focus his attention on a new and even more radical idea, which posits the existence of a Supreme Being, whom Hawking said is a "total f***ing asshole!"   ASSAULT WEAPONS TO BE GIVEN TO EVERYBODY Four months after the ban on deadly assault weapons expired, the government has brought to fruition a controversial program to distribute a new or used semiautomatic weapon to every man, woman and child in the U.S. "I believe assault weapons are a deadly and dangerous menace, but I am strongly opposed to any restricting of second amendment rights," said Senator Royland Pierce (R - WA), who authored the bill proposing the mass arming. "The only realistic solution is for everybody to have one. That'll level the playing field a bit." Beginning March 1st, the guns will be available at all government offices and can be retrieved by anyone at all, though there is a strict four-per-person limit. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg believes the guns will be a boon to homeland security, and plans to incorporate them into the city's new "If You See Something, Shoot Someone" campaign.     Other News - SATELLITE RADIO WILL BRING STERN SHOW TO OUTER RIM SYSTEMS Starting in 2006, morning shock-jock Howard Stern will move to Sirius Satellite radio. The satellite's ability to broadcast a strong signal deep into space will mean that remote outer rim planets like Hoth, Sullust and Endor will hear, for the first time, the "King Of All Media". On Tatooine, a barren, Hutt-ruled desert world, moisture farmers and sand people alike are preparing for Stern's intergalactic debut. "Ba Ba Booey! Fa Fa Fo-Hi! Utinni!" chanted a group of junk dealing Jawas, though it was unclear if this was a reference to Stern's producer Gary Dell'Abate, or just a sampling of their hard-to-translate dialect. Elsewhere in the galaxy, a gathering of mostly male Rodians said they're ready for "lesbians, lesbians, lesbians", while one Mon Calamari student said he's looking forward to visits from Stern's "Wack Pack". "I like High Pitch Eric, Beetlejuice and all those weird looking freaks," said the gilled, bipedal squid-creature. "Although, I was a little offended by Captain Janks' prank call after the destruction of Alderaan." The Stern show will not be heard on Coruscant or other core worlds because of strict Imperial broadcast standards, and the vast number of intergalactic languages, in which there are over 7,000,000 words that Stern can't say on the air.   SCHOLARS DISCOVER CONAN DOYLE'S LOST MANUSCRIPTS Literary scholars at Oxford University say they have uncovered a series of short stories by famed Sherlock Holmes creator Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, which tell of the exploits of another unusual and brilliant detective. "These stories - and there are over 30 of them - involve a character called Turtleneck Pete, whose techniques are as far removed from Holmes as you can imagine," said Professor Nigel Hindersley, senior lecturer in manuscripts. "Turtleneck Pete used neither science nor intellect to solve crimes. He would simply search around for an answer by hanging about in pubs, then in the very last pages of the story chooses someone at random and beats the hell out of them until they confess." Stories like "A Study In Beating Up Some Guy" and "The Case Of The Jerk Who Looked At Me Funny" had been sitting undiscovered in a vault at Merton College Oxford for almost 100 years. Can Conan Doyle aficionados look forward to a notated and unabridged collection of "Turtleneck Pete" tales soon? "Unfortunately, no," said Hindersley. "I've already thrown them away."     Stories We're Working On At Press Time... ABC APOLOGIZES FOR AIRING "DICK CLARK'S NEW YEARS STROKIN' EVE" OLD CHINESE GUY DOESN'T SEEM TO GET THAT YOU DON'T SPEAK CHINESE "CRASS ATTEMPT TO CASH-IN ON THE LOSS OF A BELOVED ENTERTAINER" SAY CRITICS ABOUT "BEST OF ARAFAT" DVD GOD ADMITS: I HATE ASIA         All Material © 2005 Joe Dator all rights reserved