HOME REJECTED BY THE NEW YORKER WEBNET NEWSLINK© FOUND PHOTO THEATER BEN FRANKLIN IN STAR WARS THE FEDERAL LANDMARK RELOCATION PROGRAM JOE DATOR'S WEB DESIGN STUDIO BIO SKETCHBOOK CONTACT LINKS "Support the War On Violence."    March 7, 2005    Issue 8 Volume 2      Previous Issue      Archives    A Message From The Editor There is little to be said at this time, which is what I would like to talk about here. The sad state of our nation is indicative, indeed it is evidentiarial, of the erosion of values. Not to sound negative, but this is wrong, wrong, wrong, bad, bad, bad! What will it take to restore true, all-American morals and ideals to a public that has been raised on violent music, sex-crazed video games and drug-filled pharmacies? There are no easy answers, and here's one; Toast. That's right, toast. Very few people realize what toast can do for the moral backbone of this nation,. Toast teaches discipline; you have to wait, there's no instant gratification. Toast teaches attention to detail; you have to set the darkness control just right, or it's underdone or overdone. The final and most important lesson toast teaches is in the rewards; Once you get the setting right, choose the perfect bread, and wait patiently, you can eat it. That's when you realize that even at its best toast is dry, tasteless and unsatisfying. Just like life.    SPECIAL REPORT CRISIS: OLD PEOPLE FIGURE OUT INTERNET The nation was thrown into a panic Thursday amid catastrophic reports that elderly Americans have finally learned how to work their computers, closing the once secure generation gap that kept them safely away from the internet. "This is a disaster of tremendous magnitude - worse than Al Qeada, worse than global warming", said sociologist Christopher Allan. "Look at the numbers: The U.S. has over 35 million senior citizens. Once they figure out that they can bank, shop, do their taxes, even go to the Post Office while sitting in a chair in their day room drinking Ovaltine - My God, they could take over the country!" "I used to have to wait for my grandson to come over if I wanted to do anything on the computer, but now I can go on any time and do it myself! Today I Googled some old friends, then I went up on that Amazon and bought some books, then I posted a movie review to the Internet Movie Database," said 83 year old Ruth Anne Connors of Elgin, Illinois, who went on to say that her daughter lives in Florida and that before her husband died they lived for 35 years in Fox Lake, which is just outside Woodstock, where it gets very cold at night. The implications of millions of idle senior citizens wielding their consumer power on line have not yet been fully analyzed, though most agree the end result could be an entirely elder-centric internet, with all web-based commerce, communications, and even pornography geared towards the doilies and DentuGrip set. "That's only the beginning! What we are looking at long term is a totalitarian society, where anyone under retirement age is forced to work in slave camps and bow down to their cruel octogenarian masters," said Allan. "Worst of all, you'll have to listen to Robert Goulet the whole time!" Officials in Washington have formed an emergency committee to find ways to deter seniors from accessing the web; starting Monday a law will take effect requiring all sites to use either an age verification system, or simply display a written message that insults Regis Philbin.     Top Stories NORTH KOREA TO U.S.: "WE HAVE BIG, SCARY ELVIS SHADES!" Antagonistic North Korean leader Kim Jong Il taunted the United States this week by boasting in a statement that he has a deadly stockpile of "Big, scary Elvis shades". "We have developed these giant shades to protect ourselves from the aggression of the Bush administration, and we are prepare(sic) to distribute them to all North Koreans at any moment." Pentagon officials believe that Kim's threat is an exaggeration and that North Korea is still years away from mass producing the large, wraparound sunglasses. "The United States will regret any attempt to isolate and stifle North Korea," said Il. "Especially when you see ten million Roy Orbisons coming straight at you." DECEASED MAN'S LIKES EXPECTED TO BE SEEN AGAIN At the funeral of Melvin Wurkel, a Bryn Mawr Pennsylvania sales associate, family and friends of the deceased agreed that he was the kind of man they will surely see the likes of again. "He was a truly unexceptional person, a man of no extraordinary gifts or charisma," said Pastor Milton Barberry, who presided over the sparsely attended funeral. "His appetite for life matched his enthusiasm for it - about average. We will most certainly see his likes again." None of the attendees left wondering if his widow Linda would remarry. "Melvin was replaceable. There'll definitely be another one like him," said a consolable Mrs. Wurkel. "And pretty soon, I imagine."     Other News CATHOLICS PRAY FOR AILING POPE'S SUFFERING TO CONTINUE Millions of devout Catholics all over the world, who believe in an eternal life after death of unimaginable peace and joy, are praying for Pope John Paul II to remain alive and in very poor health as long as possible. "If the holy father dies he will enter the kingdom of heaven and experience the glorious beauty and eternal love of our Lord," said Milena Fonseca of Madrid, Spain. "Please, God, don't let that happen." The 84-year old Pontiff, who recently underwent a tracheotomy, has appeared frail and sickly for some time. Alberto Fermetti of Rome said he believes that upon his death the Pope will pass into the everlasting bliss of paradise, free from the pain and agony of the physical body, and that "only our prayers can prevent such a tragedy."   GREAT GONZO TO PAY TRIBUTE TO THOMPSON Next week in Aspen, Colorado journalist Hunter S. Thompson will be honored by friends and admirers at a special memorial service organized by eccentric Muppet Show star "The Great Gonzo". "Hunter was the original. An inspiration and mentor for me and every other 'gonzo' who came after," said Gonzo, who admitted his own act of shooting himself out of a cannon and having romantic relations with chickens owes a great deal to Thompson's wild drug-fuelled style of journalism. "I got into this business because of 'Fear and Loathing'. That book taught me how to find my true inner Gonzo, and that made all the difference," said the furry, blue Muppet. "I may call myself 'Gonzo the Great', but he truly was the great Gonzo!" Gonzo says he is currently working on a Thompson-esque memoir about his early years in show business, called "It's Time To Play The Music: Tales Of Torture, Cocaine And Madness Backstage At The Muppet Show".     Stories We're Working On At Press Time... ASHLEY AND MARY-KATE OLSEN MERGE TO FORM NORMAL SIZED WOMAN NAMED ÃSHREE-KAI; ANCIENT PROPHECY FULFILLED CONFUSED SENATOR INTRODUCES BILL TO BAN CELL PHONE HARVESTING MARTHA STEWART BACK IN JAIL FOR ROBBING BODEGA, PUBLIC URINATION, RESISTING ARREST CARSON FAILS TO CALL JESUS OVER TO DESK PRESIDENT CALLS FOR TWO-HEADED WARRIOR QUEEN ÃSHREE-KAI TO SAVE US FROM RAMPAGING MARTHA STEWART         All Material © 2005 Joe Dator all rights reserved